I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
