youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
