Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
