Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
