dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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