you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
