two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
