This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
