I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
