Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
