What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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