i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
