she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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