So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm at about main and main street
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Randomize
