I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
