a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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