My hand turned me down
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
