I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
