Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
