I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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