god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
