I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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