currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
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He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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