not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
