I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
