note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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