How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
