my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
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She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
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he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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