I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
