she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
