just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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