PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
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HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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