never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
