halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
