I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
