Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
