I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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