Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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