Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
