The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
