we made out on top of his cat.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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