Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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