You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
