my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
