Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
