totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
