Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
