I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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