I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
