Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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