I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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