Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
