Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
