Need sex. Gaining weight.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
