Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
