my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
