i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
