He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
