Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
