I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
