We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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