my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
