farters have to be the big spoon...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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